I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
