i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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