help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
