Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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