I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
