yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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