we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
