why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
