You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
