I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
