i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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