it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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