I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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