dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
