i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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