I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
