I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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