What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
