Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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