I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
