There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
