It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
