super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
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