Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
