were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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