Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
