Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
