You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
