hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
