R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
