Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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