im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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