worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Too much gin, very little bucket
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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