dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
