4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
