Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
