I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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