I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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