He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
