I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
