The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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