I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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