Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
