I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
