so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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