All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
