So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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