my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
