you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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