No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
