I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
