Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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